strong words, floppy outcome: the tortada tradgedy.

Every few months we are guaranteed something new from taco bell. very rarely will there be an actual new ingredient, just a different combination of the same few things that taco bell regularly has to offer. i'm not here to bash taco bell. i am a fan. there have been monumental fast food breakthroughs from taco bell (example: cheesy gordita crunch). decades ago we we upgraded from bad dog meat to good dog meat. after that, the chicken was upgraded to chicken. carne asada was introduced. a few newbies for the bell, if you would recall: the enchirito, grilled stuft burrito, volcano taco, fiesta platter, nacho crunch burrito, the crunchwrap, cheesy beefy melt, beefy cheesy crunches, etc. unfortunately, we are not going to be graced with a new ingredient, just another combo of tricks... and a new marketing ploy.

the introduction.

"tastier than a sandwich, and better looking too" says the taco bell voiceover. oh, really taco bell? i'll let you brag about your new tacos and burritos all day long. you are more than welcome to call anything "supreme" by a dousing of sour cream from a dairy canon. i'll even allow you to continue to make up and use words like "melty" and "crunchwrap". but if you think that you can start to talk shit to a sandwich, you better come correct.

taco bell's newest creation.

ladies and gentleman the folks at taco bell have created another word/menu item. the "tortada" is here. available in bacon ranch and salsa roja. since i have an ongoing romance with bacon, it wouldn't be fair for me to evaluate anything with bacon in it. it's nature's candy and a sure-fire way to get a high score. i went with the salsa roja tortada. a warm flour tortilla loaded with fire-grilled marinated all-white meat chicken, crisp shredded lettuce, fiesta salsa, flavorful salsa roja, and a blend of three cheeses – cheddar, pepper jack, and mozzarella, all grilled together hot and toasty. nothing too crazy, but it sounds good enough to try.

what really happened

they called a square burrito a sandwich. shame on you, taco bell.

the packaging

i love packaging. dating back to the styrofoam big-mac container, i have always appreciated a clever package. taco bell houses some very nice packaging techniques. my favorite is the mexican pizza holder. it's great. there are many working components to the box. it is easy for the employee to slide the mexican pizza in it because of its interlocking pieces. while in the box, the pizza remains hot and protected from harm due to arrogant tacos and burritos flying aroung above. with the new word/snack, i was expecting another great container to protect the new tortada. i was shocked when i discovered what my tortada was in. it was a quesadilla wrapper! not only that, the salsa roja tortada couldn't even take up half of the space. extremely let down. Picture on top is shown next to a fire sauce packet and a square of toilet paper for reference. however, one does lead to the other. picture on bottom is to show you how dumb it actually looks when unveiled. imagine how stupid you would feel pulling out a square burrito from a misfit quesadilla bag. ridiculous.

consumption.

once the dumbness and disappointment subdued, i was ready to destroy my tortada. it was fairly easy to eat. the diagonal cut helped this floppy version of a sandwich stay up long enough to get a few bites in. there was a lot of tortilla over-lapping which lead to some delicious chewy bites. luckily, the lettuce still had a little bit of crunch left which was nice considering the chicken, salsa and cheese needed a crunch companion. but overall the tortada was lacking is taste, flavor and originality.

the aftermath.

personally, i have the ability to "handle" my taco bell. the salsa roja tortada threw nothing at me the i haven't seen or handled before. no crazy heartburn, burps, farts or sudden darts to the toilet. the 268 gram psuedo-sandwich provided 480 calories. 130 of them from fat. 14 grams of fat, while 6 of those grams are saturated fat. (bacon ranch tortada: 570 cal, 24g total fat, 6g saturated fat). somehow, both of the tortadas are loaded with sodium. they each contain about 80% of your daily allowance of sodium (1,900 out of total 2,400 *based on a 2,00 calorie diet).

the verdict.

like i mentioned earlier, i am a fan of taco bell. but i am not a fan of the new tortadas. simply, it is just a square burrito. not only that, its a mediocre burrito. which leads to mediocre marketing. and mediocre packaging... i will return to taco bell, but i now know to stay away from the tortada. it breaks my heart but the tortada gets a D+.

Pizza Hut

Domino's new pizza recipe has resulted in increased sales and pressure on their closest competitors. I took advantage of Pizza Hut's "Any pizza Any Size, Any Crust 10 dollars" promotion recently for purposes of this publication.

Initial Diagnosis

Pizza Hut always makes a reasonable looking pie. This delivery was no exception. They come in a sturdy cardboard box, are perfectly round and have very appropriate little burned/crispy dots scattered uniformly around the surface of the cheese and crust. The odor was very pizza like, with hints of sauce and pepperoni wafting out of the box.

The Crust

Something about Pizza Hut's crust that befuddles me. On the one hand, it's got a pretty nice crisp to it, it holds the toppings well, it's the perfect circle... I can never quite put my finger on why I hate it. I'll try in this space. It's too greasy, and not in a good, organic residual grease sort of way. I say organic not because I want my pepperoni raised free range and fed grain. I say organic because I want the grease to be a naturally occurring phenomenon that occurs because of a delicate dance of cheese, meat and heat. Not because it's artificially layered into some pre made crust / pastry creation. It's also got sugar in it, which I don't agree with or understand. It takes a slice or two to really start to stimulate the sweet spots on your tongue, but once it's there it won't go away. The first enjoyable grease quickly becomes a sickening layer in your stomach before you know what hit you.

The Cheese

The cheese on a pizza hut pizza should be studied by NASA. It's almost as though it was placed in one uniform piece atop the pre made crust, where it changed color and consistency when heated. It will never, ever stretch as you remove it, it almost has a ricotta like texture, if there is mozzarella in it, the mixture and quality is so low that it doesn't register one bit. If you get enough of a bite you get that always pleasant hot burst of grease.

The Sauce

Hardly there, the sauce on a Pizza Hut brand pizza is not exactly a selling point. I have very little comment on it. It's red. It's wet. It has its roots in tomatoes. Let's move on.

The Toppings

Pepperoni lovers, the benchmark order for this blog. I bent to the dual pressures of economics and promotions and bought a second pizza. The pizza #2 was a little creation of mine, pepperoni, chicken and onion. Normally a delicious option that provides more meat to balance out the greasy stuff. I will judge the individual toppings but my overall grade will only be for the pepperoni pizza. The pepperoni itself is fine, I mean it's pepperoni, pretty much a meat you can't screw up. I enjoyed the way it curled up around the edges, creating nice little tasty bits of crispiness to come across from time to time.

The chicken is obviously bought pre cooked, pre seasoned and pre sliced, frozen, and thrown across the top. It sucked. It had the "chicken that tastes like crap" gamey flavor and I found myself picking pieces of it off as I progressed through the slices.

Onion.. Meh Onion. Not too much, Not to little. A scientifically measured volume of chopped onion that manages to cover just enough to declare it's presence.

The Sides

I ordered the "8 Piece Buffalo Bone Out Chicken with Medium sauce" from the "Wing Street" menu sub section. I'll say this... The nuggets are served wet in sauce, good, the buffalo sauce actually tastes like buffalo sauce, giving you that slight upwhiff in your nose while tweaking your tongue with the vinegar characteristics of a good buffalo sauce. Pretty decent. The volume of sauce was sufficient, the chicken was good, I was pleased.

Then I looked for my dipping sauce.

Which did not come with the chicken by default.

Who on this earth orders/sells buffalo wings in any form without some form of dipping sauce? The debate is ranch or bleu cheese, not sauce or no sauce.

You have to pay for dipping sauce separately. (Ahhhh... money is to blame) Travesty. Now I've got a dozen little pieces of chicken drowning in a pretty reasonable buffalo sauce and no creamy dipping sauce to eat it with.

Disaster.

So I ate the chicken. What could have been. What never was. Moral of this story. MAKE SURE YOU SPECIFICALLY ORDER DIPPING SAUCE

The Intangibles

I ordered online, I found their interface a little easier to navigate than the domino's set up. It was considerably less flashy and did not feature an order tracker. The price was right, the food arrived quickly. It's a good set up.

The Aftermath

A few things happened while/after eating this pizza. I had to stop eating before my gluttony would have liked due to that strange pizza hut recipe and how it interacts with my body. I felt like I was on the fast track to death. I stupidly bought two pizzas, thinking it would be 4-5 meals, some frozen, some reheated, money in the dinner bank.

Well something that happened that never, ever happens... I threw the leftovers away after lunch on day two. I didn't want to eat it anymore and could not forsee any situation where I would desire that food again in the coming week or two.

Let me say this again. I threw away pizza. It sucked. I wanted to die after I ate it and nearly checked into junk food rehab following my experience with Pizza the Hut.

My flatulence was largely a normal, bountiful, medium bouquet type of experience I would expect from eating three slices of pizza and buffalo chicken. I had a regular but soft and floating bowel movement. Stable enough food for the stomach overall, no doubt part of the designer food experience in the Pizza hut labs.

Overall Grade

D +

Honorable mention for "Bone out Medium Buffalo Chicken" ***

C+

Overall, not the worst thing ever, but far from a passing grade. This reviewer should never order pizza hut delivered again.

*** Make sure to order your dipping sauce. I may have given a B if I had the opportunity to coat the nuggers in creamy dipping sauce.

Dr. JFood on the Fly: Monster Energy Loca Moca

Making the Purchase

Hello foodies, The Beef here, on they fly with Dr. Jfood. I was on my way to check out my buddy's new flat screen when I realized I was fading. I needed an energy boost so I hit up 7-11 to see what they had to offer. They had the usual's on draft, I almost always pass on the Slurpee so this led me to the fridge. I have never had a regular Monster Energy Drink before, and I must say the size of their cans is a bit intimidating, but I wasn't ready to go full soda this early in the day (2pm). I realized I was craving coffee, and chocolate, and energy. Behold! Loca Moca. Since elementary Spanish teaches us that an "A" suffix is feminine I figured this drink may be more mild than advertised but luckily I was wrong.

I made my way over to my friends place and poured this bad girl in to a glass so I could inspect it. True to form it was a milky coffee color which I have to admit I was a bit surprised given the colors the kids love these days. I was so impressed I checked out the ingredients (these come to us from the corporate site):
Reduced Fat Milk, Filtered Water, Sucrose, Glucose, Coffee, Natural Flavors, Taurine, Sodium Citrate, Natural Gum Stabilizers, Panax Ginseng Root Extract, Natural Colors, Tricalcium Phosphate, Ascorbic Acid, Caffeine, Niacinamide, Sucralose, Glucuronolactone, Guarana Seed Extract, Inositol, L-Carnitine, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Maltodextrin, Cyanocobalamin.

Alright there are some big ones in there but I think it's important to note that the first 5 ingredients are naturally occurring substances, and there is in fact real coffee in this drink, alas there is no chocolate, only "natural flavors". Also noteworthy is that there is milk in here, so lactards be aware. FYI Milk first, then water.

Consumption

I took my first sip with a wary caution. To my surprise it tasted great. An ultrasweet blend of coffee, milk, chocolate natural flavors, and of course sugar. I consulted the can for more info and found out there are actually 2 servings of monster energy in here. Perhaps in Europe you may stash the second serving for later, but this is America and like your Grandma always told you, you gotta finish whats on your plate. I was 2 servings deep and 10 minutes out when the energy kicked in.

I felt an immediate boost and that ultra tingly skin feeling I get when I've had a mega dose of caffeine. Of course the elusive ingredient Taurine is in here too (the backbone of Red Bull), and I am sure it contributed to my overall buzz. I felt awake, I felt alive, I felt ready to play first person shooters till my eyes bled. I felt.....

The Aftermath

I felt like I had to poo with a desperate urgent quickness. Coffee is a notorious laxative, and supercharged coffee should not be taken lightly. Thank god my friends apartment has two bathrooms as well because the demands that Moca Loca puts on ones bowels are intense. Meanwhile the Monster grew inside me. I continued to feel more awake and energized, but not in an uncomfortable way and this is perhaps the best feature of them all. Even though I was fully revved up, I didn't feel like I had to run a mile or my heart would burst, and I was fine sitting down and chilling afterwords. This beast didn't wear off fast either and I felt pretty good for the rest of the day, and the come down was pretty easy, not a violent sugar coma crash.

Final Thoughts

I liked this drink and I was surprised that I did. I would even buy this again if I needed a serious boost. The fact that there are 2 servings in every can, and you know you're going to drink the whole can does make this a pretty heavy drink, and you'll definitely be consuming some milk which can go a few different ways. I would not drink this on a road trip though, because you'll be begging for another pit stop within minutes of your first sip. Moca Loca tastes great, and delivers a high powered boost that will not fail you for hours.

Grade:
I give this a solid B.

Domino's New Hand Tossed Pizza

After decades of awful pizza, the worlds most recognizable pizza chain finally decided to rework their recipe. I sampled their new product this week.


Initial Diagnosis

Certainly an improvement. Visually the pizza looked decent, it's odor was reasonable. It definitely looked like pizza. Worth eating.


The Crust

It's alright. They've cheated by dusting the crust with garlic powder. (more on that later) It looks good but was too soft and chewy. Basically they use real pizza dough, dust it in garlic and probably paint it with a yellow butter substitute. I'm sure it looks great on camera.

The Sauce

Nothing special here. Heavy on the tomato paste, heavy on the garlic. Had a slight metal can flavor to it. Not offensive, not exactly a selling point. If anything, there was too much of it. I think they are overcompensating to distinguish the new pie from the old style.

The Topping

I didn't go crazy here. Pepperoni and cheese. It's pretty hard to muck up pepperoni. They do offer (at least in the Los Angeles market) extra large pepperonis, which I found an interesting novelty. Another attempt to class up the visuals. In theory it's a good idea, but in practice I found the large pepperoni a little difficult to bite through without getting molten hot cheese and sauce all over my chin. Next time I'll stick with the normal sized pepperoni. Yum. Pepperoni.

The Cheese


Largely a non factor. The overbearing sauce really wiped out any chance of tasting the nuances of the cheese, which they claim is mozzarella with a hint of provolone. Not bad though, when you consider how poor pizza cheese can be. Better to be overshadowed than disappoint.


The Sides

I ordered a side of the Buffalo Kickers. They're a little nugget of white meat coated in a buffalo style sauce. You dip them in ranch dressing and eat in one or two bites. Not too shabby. I'd go so far as to say they were good. The ranch dressing portion is scientifically measured to give you exactly the right amount of sauce if you use the dip and coat method. I had trace amounts left over for pizza dipping. If you're a ranch enthusiast, I would suggest ordering an extra side. The hot sauce was not very hot and tasted like crap.


The Intangibles

I ordered online, found their interface easy enough to navigate, and was impressed with their delivery tracker system. Nice little gimmick, but it has a practical purpose. It shows you when the pizza is going into the oven, when it leaves the store, when it's in transit. Unfortunately I was unable to really use it because the driver came with the pizza 15 minutes after I ordered. A pretty good problem to have on my end.


The Aftermath

Shortly after eating the pizza, I started to feel the effects of garlic powder overdose. I had burps developing deep inside me that could clear a room with their odor. I was out with friends and had to turn my head and burp, blowing it into the air away from the crowd. I'm sure some unlucky passerbys caught a whiff or two, probably causing some watery eyes. My gas was a little more active than usual, with a bouquet that registered my recent food consumption. Day one I had the kickers in the mix, and that definitely created a little more gastrointestinal activity. Day two was just pizza, so the flatulence was less of a factor. My stool was a little soft but regular.


The Price

Reasonable. I used a door hanger coupon and ordered 2 10'' pizzas for ten bucks. The kickers were $5.99. There was a delivery charge, which I was surprised and disappointed by, two dollars I think. I would be sure to check for online coupons before ordering.

The Verdict

All in all, not a horrible experience. They set the bar so low with their old recipe that anything would be an improvement. I'd say they took their pizza up from a D to a C+. Better than the stuff they sell at the public pool snack bar, worse than almost any mom and pop. A serviceable, convenient option in a crowded landscape of chain pizza. Domino's is no longer just a punchline. My guess is that once the promotions die down about the new pizza, they will trim the amount of sauce. It will help the bigger picture but not change my grade.

C+