Pizza Hut

Domino's new pizza recipe has resulted in increased sales and pressure on their closest competitors. I took advantage of Pizza Hut's "Any pizza Any Size, Any Crust 10 dollars" promotion recently for purposes of this publication.

Initial Diagnosis

Pizza Hut always makes a reasonable looking pie. This delivery was no exception. They come in a sturdy cardboard box, are perfectly round and have very appropriate little burned/crispy dots scattered uniformly around the surface of the cheese and crust. The odor was very pizza like, with hints of sauce and pepperoni wafting out of the box.

The Crust

Something about Pizza Hut's crust that befuddles me. On the one hand, it's got a pretty nice crisp to it, it holds the toppings well, it's the perfect circle... I can never quite put my finger on why I hate it. I'll try in this space. It's too greasy, and not in a good, organic residual grease sort of way. I say organic not because I want my pepperoni raised free range and fed grain. I say organic because I want the grease to be a naturally occurring phenomenon that occurs because of a delicate dance of cheese, meat and heat. Not because it's artificially layered into some pre made crust / pastry creation. It's also got sugar in it, which I don't agree with or understand. It takes a slice or two to really start to stimulate the sweet spots on your tongue, but once it's there it won't go away. The first enjoyable grease quickly becomes a sickening layer in your stomach before you know what hit you.

The Cheese

The cheese on a pizza hut pizza should be studied by NASA. It's almost as though it was placed in one uniform piece atop the pre made crust, where it changed color and consistency when heated. It will never, ever stretch as you remove it, it almost has a ricotta like texture, if there is mozzarella in it, the mixture and quality is so low that it doesn't register one bit. If you get enough of a bite you get that always pleasant hot burst of grease.

The Sauce

Hardly there, the sauce on a Pizza Hut brand pizza is not exactly a selling point. I have very little comment on it. It's red. It's wet. It has its roots in tomatoes. Let's move on.

The Toppings

Pepperoni lovers, the benchmark order for this blog. I bent to the dual pressures of economics and promotions and bought a second pizza. The pizza #2 was a little creation of mine, pepperoni, chicken and onion. Normally a delicious option that provides more meat to balance out the greasy stuff. I will judge the individual toppings but my overall grade will only be for the pepperoni pizza. The pepperoni itself is fine, I mean it's pepperoni, pretty much a meat you can't screw up. I enjoyed the way it curled up around the edges, creating nice little tasty bits of crispiness to come across from time to time.

The chicken is obviously bought pre cooked, pre seasoned and pre sliced, frozen, and thrown across the top. It sucked. It had the "chicken that tastes like crap" gamey flavor and I found myself picking pieces of it off as I progressed through the slices.

Onion.. Meh Onion. Not too much, Not to little. A scientifically measured volume of chopped onion that manages to cover just enough to declare it's presence.

The Sides

I ordered the "8 Piece Buffalo Bone Out Chicken with Medium sauce" from the "Wing Street" menu sub section. I'll say this... The nuggets are served wet in sauce, good, the buffalo sauce actually tastes like buffalo sauce, giving you that slight upwhiff in your nose while tweaking your tongue with the vinegar characteristics of a good buffalo sauce. Pretty decent. The volume of sauce was sufficient, the chicken was good, I was pleased.

Then I looked for my dipping sauce.

Which did not come with the chicken by default.

Who on this earth orders/sells buffalo wings in any form without some form of dipping sauce? The debate is ranch or bleu cheese, not sauce or no sauce.

You have to pay for dipping sauce separately. (Ahhhh... money is to blame) Travesty. Now I've got a dozen little pieces of chicken drowning in a pretty reasonable buffalo sauce and no creamy dipping sauce to eat it with.

Disaster.

So I ate the chicken. What could have been. What never was. Moral of this story. MAKE SURE YOU SPECIFICALLY ORDER DIPPING SAUCE

The Intangibles

I ordered online, I found their interface a little easier to navigate than the domino's set up. It was considerably less flashy and did not feature an order tracker. The price was right, the food arrived quickly. It's a good set up.

The Aftermath

A few things happened while/after eating this pizza. I had to stop eating before my gluttony would have liked due to that strange pizza hut recipe and how it interacts with my body. I felt like I was on the fast track to death. I stupidly bought two pizzas, thinking it would be 4-5 meals, some frozen, some reheated, money in the dinner bank.

Well something that happened that never, ever happens... I threw the leftovers away after lunch on day two. I didn't want to eat it anymore and could not forsee any situation where I would desire that food again in the coming week or two.

Let me say this again. I threw away pizza. It sucked. I wanted to die after I ate it and nearly checked into junk food rehab following my experience with Pizza the Hut.

My flatulence was largely a normal, bountiful, medium bouquet type of experience I would expect from eating three slices of pizza and buffalo chicken. I had a regular but soft and floating bowel movement. Stable enough food for the stomach overall, no doubt part of the designer food experience in the Pizza hut labs.

Overall Grade

D +

Honorable mention for "Bone out Medium Buffalo Chicken" ***

C+

Overall, not the worst thing ever, but far from a passing grade. This reviewer should never order pizza hut delivered again.

*** Make sure to order your dipping sauce. I may have given a B if I had the opportunity to coat the nuggers in creamy dipping sauce.