The String Cheese Incident

The other day I found myself a little hungry without ample time to eat properly. Instead, I popped into a 7-11 for something to snack on. I am aware that this is Dr. Junkfood, so I am not gonna lie to you and tell you that they were out of pork rinds, slim jims and breakfast taquitos. I could have grabbed a big ‘ol bag of cool ranch Doritos and a super gulp. First of all it was early, but most of all it isn’t my style. I’m more of a banana, string cheese and Naked protein type of guy. That is what I went with.

The banana and protein drink were fine. Consistency is easy among those two. However, while enjoying my string cheese I was delightfully surprised. But my surprise immediately turned into curiosity. I am a stringer (a proud fan and eater of string cheese). When string cheese is available, odds are I am grabbing one. It is a great snack and not too terrible for you. The string cheese I purchased was excellent and I decided that I should take this to Doc JF. It’s nice leaving 7-11 brainstorming, not brainfreezing.

Cheesehunt

I had already committed to the string cheese project before I actually realized what it entailed. Off to the store. I went to a few stores to stock up on string cheese. I came back with Sargento, Kraft, a generic store brand and Trader Joe [cheese pictured in that order, left to right].

Pull a Few Strings

Similar to Reese’s peanut butter cups, people tend to enjoy their string cheese in many different fashions. First, you have the run of the mill pullers. True stringers enjoy their cheese this way. Nice, small threads that are enjoyed one at a time. It gives you a chance to really enjoy the cheese and do some nice pondering as well, like fly fishing with dairy products. Next, you have the chompers. Maybe they don’t have a free hand to pull some string. Maybe they don’t have time to properly enjoy some string cheese. Maybe they’re just stupid dicks who don’t respect the cheese. Either way, they horizontally chop and mow down the string cheese with absolutely no regard for its vertical value. I can’t watch. There is the “grenading” method. Grenading is when you have to chomp the top so you can get nice strings started easier. It helps when the string cheese isn’t super cold from the fridge. As long as you only bite once, grenading is an acceptable way to enjoy some strings. The last technique I am going to cover is the string cheese accessory scheme. I had a buddy who would only eat string cheese with an add-on. It would usually be a big Cool Ranch Dorito with a nice string wrapped around it. Turns out he isn’t alone. Many people go with the cheese-n-cracker thing and stick to their guns.

Judging specs

There will be several areas of which the cheese shall be judged.

String factor: how string friendly is the cheese? Does it split easily? String consistency?

Flavor: how does the cheese rate as a mozzarella? Cheese consistency?

Overall rating as string cheese.

The process will be as follows. The cheese will be split in half. Judged. Split in half again and again. Judged. Eaten, judged.

Sargento Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Cheese

The Sargento cheese kicked off the contest. Its initial split went fine. As well as the next few pulls. The Sargento string cheese pulled apart alright, but was lacking in the stringy-ness that I enjoy in a hand cheese. The flavor was sub-par. It was a little bitter and a little soft. The strings were not quite mushy, but had it not been freshly chilled there is

a good chance that it could get mushy. Overall, the Sargento string cheese was more of a pull apart cheese with a bitter mozzarella flavor.

Kraft-matic Adjustable Cheese

American giant, Kraft, makes the next cheese under the microscope. The initial split went very well. Immediately there were strings of cheese snapping and hanging from both halves. As the tearing kept on going, the results kept on getting better. This is a very string friendly stick of cheese. Lots of action. This Kraft creation also delivered a very delicious flavor. It was mild, but full of essence. They provided excellent mozzarella with all types of moves. Great work Kraft, that’s why you’re number one in American hearts across the land.

AlbertSON’s of Anarchy

Our third contestent in the string-off is a store brand (Albertson’s) string cheese. Available in the dairy section, individually wrapped for individual sale. Great if you do not feel like buying a bunch cheese. The initial split went as if an angel with a light saber was guiding me. There were tendons of string cheese exploding and flying all over! Such a glorious sight. Every pull kept on producing more and more delicious dairy tendons. This is what string cheese is all about. Tremendously stringy and tremendously delicious. The cheese strings had a great snap to them also. All around qualities that can not be beat. This string cheese is fantastic.

Traitor Joe’s Mozzarella Sticks

I start the first split of the Trader Joe string cheese and it isn’t pretty. It’s kinda slimy and kinda

mushy. I have no luck with it. Can’t half it, can’t do much. I managed to mangle it to bits, not very friendly at all. I take a second look at the wrapper and realize that it is not a string cheese at all!! It is a mozzarella cheese stick!

Oh, very sneaky Trader Joe. You have won this time, disguising regular cheese in wolves clothing. However I still have a bunch of cheese, and I’m still gonna eat the damn thing. Even though it is now smashed to pieces, I don’t really care. It’s delicious. It was totally fantastic mozzarella. Not too firm, not too soft. Better than a lot of the mozzarella that’s served in my caprese salads. I’m a fan of TJ’s, and for good reason.

The cheese stands alone.

Obviously, I’m going to have to give this one to the generic brand X string cheese. Go figure. However, I must give Kraft credit for making it such a hard choice. And I must also say that it was the Kraft cheese I got at 7-11 that inspired this test. The Kraft cheese is definitely superior to the other big brands. But the generic cheese is what string cheese is all about. Stringy, chewy, delicious and fun. Enjoy.

The Doctor has left the building.