Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Doritos Locos Taco
ok, i'm back. yup. just as my algebraic formula lead me to believe...fuck yea. of course it's good! it's not only delicious to eat, it's delicious to think about how many people it took to turn a dorito into a taco shell. seriously, what a hassle! people who make doritos are all about the triangle. period. now they gotta figure out how to make a shell! actually, it's not a shell, its a vehicle. a bus that has to give an entire taco supreme a ride to the faces of millions! oh, i can imagine the headaches and the rejected dorito shell graveyard... obviously the fine people of Taco Bell are onto something, per usual. come on, how long can you resist? go stain your greasy fat fingers orange from a dorito taco. we all know you're going to. i'll leave you with this to ponder... what's next from TB? i give these two concept contestants the edge:
cool ranch taco
vs.
Doritos Nachos Supreme
now taking all bets...
-dumptruck
@cpt_dumptruck
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The String Cheese Incident
The banana and protein drink were fine. Consistency is easy among those two. However, while enjoying my string cheese I was delightfully surprised. But my surprise immediately turned into curiosity. I am a stringer (a proud fan and eater of string cheese). When string cheese is available, odds are I am grabbing one. It is a great snack and not too terrible for you. The string cheese I purchased was excellent and I decided that I should take this to Doc JF. It’s nice leaving 7-11 brainstorming, not brainfreezing.
I had already committed to the string cheese project before I actually realized what it entailed. Off to the store. I went to a few stores to stock up on string cheese. I came back with Sargento, Kraft, a generic store brand and Trader Joe [cheese pictured in that order, left to right].
Pull a Few Strings
Similar to Reese’s peanut butter cups, people tend to enjoy their string cheese in many different fashions. First, you have the run of the mill pullers. True stringers enjoy their cheese this way. Nice, small threads that are enjoyed one at a time. It gives you a chance to really enjoy the cheese and do some nice pondering as well, like fly fishing with dairy products. Next, you have the chompers. Maybe they don’t have a free hand to pull some string. Maybe they don’t have time to properly enjoy some string cheese. Maybe they’re just stupid dicks who don’t respect the cheese. Either way, they horizontally chop and mow down the string cheese with absolutely no regard for its vertical value. I can’t watch. There is the “grenading” method. Grenading is when you have to chomp the top so you can get nice strings started easier. It helps when the string cheese isn’t super cold from the fridge. As long as you only bite once, grenading is an acceptable way to enjoy some strings. The last technique I am going to cover is the string cheese accessory scheme. I had a buddy who would only eat string cheese with an add-on. It would usually be a big Cool Ranch Dorito with a nice string wrapped around it. Turns out he isn’t alone. Many people go with the cheese-n-cracker thing and stick to their guns.
Judging specs
There will be several areas of which the cheese shall be judged.
String factor: how string friendly is the cheese? Does it split easily? String consistency?
Flavor: how does the cheese rate as a mozzarella? Cheese consistency?
Overall rating as string cheese.
The process will be as follows. The cheese will be split in half. Judged. Split in half again and again. Judged. Eaten, judged.
Sargento Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Cheese
The Sargento cheese kicked off the contest. Its initial split went fine. As well as the next few pulls. The Sargento string cheese pulled apart alright, but was lacking in the stringy-ness that I enjoy in a hand cheese. The flavor was sub-par. It was a little bitter and a little soft. The strings were not quite mushy, but had it not been freshly chilled there is
a good chance that it could get mushy. Overall, the Sargento string cheese was more of a pull apart cheese with a bitter mozzarella flavor.
Kraft-matic Adjustable Cheese
American giant, Kraft, makes the next cheese under the microscope. The initial split went very well. Immediately there were strings of cheese snapping and hanging from both halves. As the tearing kept on going, the results kept on getting better. This is a very string friendly stick of cheese. Lots of action. This Kraft creation also delivered a very delicious flavor. It was mild, but full of essence. They provided excellent mozzarella with all types of moves. Great work Kraft, that’s why you’re number one in American hearts across the land.
AlbertSON’s of Anarchy
Our third contestent in the string-off is a store brand (Albertson’s) string cheese. Available in the dairy section, individually wrapped for individual sale. Great if you do not feel like buying a bunch cheese. The initial split went as if an angel with a light saber was guiding me. There were tendons of string cheese exploding and flying all over! Such a glorious sight. Every pull kept on producing more and more delicious dairy tendons. This is what string cheese is all about. Tremendously stringy and tremendously delicious. The cheese strings had a great snap to them also. All around qualities that can not be beat. This string cheese is fantastic.
Traitor Joe’s Mozzarella Sticks
I start the first split of the Trader Joe string cheese and it isn’t pretty. It’s kinda slimy and kinda
The cheese stands alone.
Obviously, I’m going to have to give this one to the generic brand X string cheese. Go figure. However, I must give Kraft credit for making it such a hard choice. And I must also say that it was the Kraft cheese I got at 7-11 that inspired this test. The Kraft cheese is definitely superior to the other big brands. But the generic cheese is what string cheese is all about. Stringy, chewy, delicious and fun. Enjoy.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Quality Control: The KFC Double Down
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
strong words, floppy outcome: the tortada tradgedy.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Pizza Hut
Domino's new pizza recipe has resulted in increased sales and pressure on their closest competitors. I took advantage of Pizza Hut's "Any pizza Any Size, Any Crust 10 dollars" promotion recently for purposes of this publication.
Initial Diagnosis
Pizza Hut always makes a reasonable looking pie. This delivery was no exception. They come in a sturdy cardboard box, are perfectly round and have very appropriate little burned/crispy dots scattered uniformly around the surface of the cheese and crust. The odor was very pizza like, with hints of sauce and pepperoni wafting out of the box.
The Crust
Something about Pizza Hut's crust that befuddles me. On the one hand, it's got a pretty nice crisp to it, it holds the toppings well, it's the perfect circle... I can never quite put my finger on why I hate it. I'll try in this space. It's too greasy, and not in a good, organic residual grease sort of way. I say organic not because I want my pepperoni raised free range and fed grain. I say organic because I want the grease to be a naturally occurring phenomenon that occurs because of a delicate dance of cheese, meat and heat. Not because it's artificially layered into some pre made crust / pastry creation. It's also got sugar in it, which I don't agree with or understand. It takes a slice or two to really start to stimulate the sweet spots on your tongue, but once it's there it won't go away. The first enjoyable grease quickly becomes a sickening layer in your stomach before you know what hit you.
The Cheese
The cheese on a pizza hut pizza should be studied by NASA. It's almost as though it was placed in one uniform piece atop the pre made crust, where it changed color and consistency when heated. It will never, ever stretch as you remove it, it almost has a ricotta like texture, if there is mozzarella in it, the mixture and quality is so low that it doesn't register one bit. If you get enough of a bite you get that always pleasant hot burst of grease.
The Sauce
Hardly there, the sauce on a Pizza Hut brand pizza is not exactly a selling point. I have very little comment on it. It's red. It's wet. It has its roots in tomatoes. Let's move on.
The Toppings
Pepperoni lovers, the benchmark order for this blog. I bent to the dual pressures of economics and promotions and bought a second pizza. The pizza #2 was a little creation of mine, pepperoni, chicken and onion. Normally a delicious option that provides more meat to balance out the greasy stuff. I will judge the individual toppings but my overall grade will only be for the pepperoni pizza. The pepperoni itself is fine, I mean it's pepperoni, pretty much a meat you can't screw up. I enjoyed the way it curled up around the edges, creating nice little tasty bits of crispiness to come across from time to time.
The chicken is obviously bought pre cooked, pre seasoned and pre sliced, frozen, and thrown across the top. It sucked. It had the "chicken that tastes like crap" gamey flavor and I found myself picking pieces of it off as I progressed through the slices.
Onion.. Meh Onion. Not too much, Not to little. A scientifically measured volume of chopped onion that manages to cover just enough to declare it's presence.
The Sides
I ordered the "8 Piece Buffalo Bone Out Chicken with Medium sauce" from the "Wing Street" menu sub section. I'll say this... The nuggets are served wet in sauce, good, the buffalo sauce actually tastes like buffalo sauce, giving you that slight upwhiff in your nose while tweaking your tongue with the vinegar characteristics of a good buffalo sauce. Pretty decent. The volume of sauce was sufficient, the chicken was good, I was pleased.
Then I looked for my dipping sauce.
Which did not come with the chicken by default.
Who on this earth orders/sells buffalo wings in any form without some form of dipping sauce? The debate is ranch or bleu cheese, not sauce or no sauce.
You have to pay for dipping sauce separately. (Ahhhh... money is to blame) Travesty. Now I've got a dozen little pieces of chicken drowning in a pretty reasonable buffalo sauce and no creamy dipping sauce to eat it with.
Disaster.
So I ate the chicken. What could have been. What never was. Moral of this story. MAKE SURE YOU SPECIFICALLY ORDER DIPPING SAUCE
The Intangibles
I ordered online, I found their interface a little easier to navigate than the domino's set up. It was considerably less flashy and did not feature an order tracker. The price was right, the food arrived quickly. It's a good set up.
The Aftermath
A few things happened while/after eating this pizza. I had to stop eating before my gluttony would have liked due to that strange pizza hut recipe and how it interacts with my body. I felt like I was on the fast track to death. I stupidly bought two pizzas, thinking it would be 4-5 meals, some frozen, some reheated, money in the dinner bank.
Well something that happened that never, ever happens... I threw the leftovers away after lunch on day two. I didn't want to eat it anymore and could not forsee any situation where I would desire that food again in the coming week or two.
Let me say this again. I threw away pizza. It sucked. I wanted to die after I ate it and nearly checked into junk food rehab following my experience with Pizza the Hut.
My flatulence was largely a normal, bountiful, medium bouquet type of experience I would expect from eating three slices of pizza and buffalo chicken. I had a regular but soft and floating bowel movement. Stable enough food for the stomach overall, no doubt part of the designer food experience in the Pizza hut labs.
Overall Grade
D +
Honorable mention for "Bone out Medium Buffalo Chicken" ***
C+
Overall, not the worst thing ever, but far from a passing grade. This reviewer should never order pizza hut delivered again.
*** Make sure to order your dipping sauce. I may have given a B if I had the opportunity to coat the nuggers in creamy dipping sauce.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dr. JFood on the Fly: Monster Energy Loca Moca
Making the Purchase
Hello foodies, The Beef here, on they fly with Dr. Jfood. I was on my way to check out my buddy's new flat screen when I realized I was fading. I needed an energy boost so I hit up 7-11 to see what they had to offer. They had the usual's on draft, I almost always pass on the Slurpee so this led me to the fridge. I have never had a regular Monster Energy Drink before, and I must say the size of their cans is a bit intimidating, but I wasn't ready to go full soda this early in the day (2pm). I realized I was craving coffee, and chocolate, and energy. Behold! Loca Moca. Since elementary Spanish teaches us that an "A" suffix is feminine I figured this drink may be more mild than advertised but luckily I was wrong.
I made my way over to my friends place and poured this bad girl in to a glass so I could inspect it. True to form it was a milky coffee color which I have to admit I was a bit surprised given the colors the kids love these days. I was so impressed I checked out the ingredients (these come to us from the corporate site):
Reduced Fat Milk, Filtered Water, Sucrose, Glucose, Coffee, Natural Flavors, Taurine, Sodium Citrate, Natural Gum Stabilizers, Panax Ginseng Root Extract, Natural Colors, Tricalcium Phosphate, Ascorbic Acid, Caffeine, Niacinamide, Sucralose, Glucuronolactone, Guarana Seed Extract, Inositol, L-Carnitine, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Maltodextrin, Cyanocobalamin.
Alright there are some big ones in there but I think it's important to note that the first 5 ingredients are naturally occurring substances, and there is in fact real coffee in this drink, alas there is no chocolate, only "natural flavors". Also noteworthy is that there is milk in here, so lactards be aware. FYI Milk first, then water.
Consumption
I took my first sip with a wary caution. To my surprise it tasted great. An ultrasweet blend of coffee, milk, chocolate natural flavors, and of course sugar. I consulted the can for more info and found out there are actually 2 servings of monster energy in here. Perhaps in Europe you may stash the second serving for later, but this is America and like your Grandma always told you, you gotta finish whats on your plate. I was 2 servings deep and 10 minutes out when the energy kicked in.
I felt an immediate boost and that ultra tingly skin feeling I get when I've had a mega dose of caffeine. Of course the elusive ingredient Taurine is in here too (the backbone of Red Bull), and I am sure it contributed to my overall buzz. I felt awake, I felt alive, I felt ready to play first person shooters till my eyes bled. I felt.....
The Aftermath
I felt like I had to poo with a desperate urgent quickness. Coffee is a notorious laxative, and supercharged coffee should not be taken lightly. Thank god my friends apartment has two bathrooms as well because the demands that Moca Loca puts on ones bowels are intense. Meanwhile the Monster grew inside me. I continued to feel more awake and energized, but not in an uncomfortable way and this is perhaps the best feature of them all. Even though I was fully revved up, I didn't feel like I had to run a mile or my heart would burst, and I was fine sitting down and chilling afterwords. This beast didn't wear off fast either and I felt pretty good for the rest of the day, and the come down was pretty easy, not a violent sugar coma crash.
Final Thoughts
I liked this drink and I was surprised that I did. I would even buy this again if I needed a serious boost. The fact that there are 2 servings in every can, and you know you're going to drink the whole can does make this a pretty heavy drink, and you'll definitely be consuming some milk which can go a few different ways. I would not drink this on a road trip though, because you'll be begging for another pit stop within minutes of your first sip. Moca Loca tastes great, and delivers a high powered boost that will not fail you for hours.
Grade:
I give this a solid B.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Butterfinger vs. Clark Bar
The Butterfinger was invented in 1923 by the Curtis Candy Company. The owner, Otto Schnering, invented the Baby Ruth candy bar to get his little company started. It was named through a public contest and was air dropped along with Baby Ruth's in cities over America when it was first released. Butterfinger is now produced by Nestlé. Their use of Bart Simpson in their ad campaigns is legendary.
This debate has waged for years it seems. I found a great breakdown of the ingredients from 1995.There are a few differences now; the Clark Bar lists Soy Lecithin as its emulsifier, and BHA, Propyl Gallate, and Citric Acid, as it's current preservative options. Butterfinger now specifically says they use less than 1% of Whey, Hydrogenated Palm Kernal Oil, and Soy Lecithin, and Cornstarch.
Butterfinger also lists their information in Spanish, including a translation of "crispety crunchety, peanut-buttery".
Head To Head
The Butterfinger is a bright butterscotch with a hint of orange. The chocolate also appears to be a bit lighter in color. When I first bit in to the Butterfinger, the most profound taste to me was butter. It has a slick full mouthfeel and sweetness overwhelms the pallette to reveal halfway through a peanut butter taste that stays strong and then lingers in the mouth. Of course it sticks in your gums like crazy. It is definitly crunchy and it is a solid bite, it does not feel layered or flaky, and I believe this is the secret to crispiness. Additional research revealed to me that Butterfingers are Gluten Free.
The Clark Bar has a brown layered look and texture. It is flaky when you bite in to it and the initial taste is a 50/50 mix of chocolate and peanut butter. These flavors linger and die together with a peanuty aftertaste. The peanut taste is a bit more roasted and the bar is less sweet overall. It is crunchy as well, but less aggressive. This cross section image highlights the different Layered for flakiness composition of the Clark Bar compared to the Butterfingers crispy whole block approach. Please disregard the slight gouge mark in the middle of the image, caused by my precision candy cutting device (exacto knife). Clark Bars are also gluten free.
The Verdict
I prefer the Clark Bar for it's more mellow and balanced taste. While I have to respect the aggressive crunch that the Butterfinger delivers I think it is just too sweet to allow the peanutbutteryness through. I also must confess that I like the fact that the Clark Bar does not have any artificial colors.
The Aftermath
About 30 mins after I ate the bars I was editing this story and realized that no matter what I did I couldn't sit still. After some thought I realized I was in the middle of an aggressive sugar high that can only be produced after chowing down 2 full sized candy bars. It's interesting to consciously experience this as an adult. It really puts in to perspective on the effect that candy must have on young kids who chow a king sized candy bar and then get in a car with their younger brother. I really had no control over the energy burst and had no choice but to play Xbox until it subsided, and even then I was standing, yelling at the TV for most of the time (although this is really no different than what usually happens when I play xbox, I did it with way more passion). I did not experience a sugar crash though, in fact I was fairly motivated to cook a nice dinner later in the evening. So I guess i got out clean on that end. For whatever it's worth, I took a fine poo this morning.